Figure 34: Essay Excerpt on Venus and the Will of Love, “Venus and Adonis,” William Shakespeare

Below is an excerpt that falls under the comment “Not Sure What You Mean Here.”

You may access the comment by clicking on the “N” category or by typing the title into the search box.

You may print the excerpt for class discussions.

In the following sample excerpt, the student writer doesn’t define how she will use a particular term in her paper and she also doesn’t provide the meaning of the term within the context of her paper. Let’s read.

Sample Excerpt

To go against someone’s will is to take away that person’s choice and option.  There is a natural, inherent instinct to will.  Free choice involves free will to do whatever it is one wants to do without permission to do so. It really doesn’t matter what the other person thinks.  But what does matter is when one’s will is manipulated and picked out of a lineup, so to speak, as a target. Then that person has to deal with defending his or her will to the manipulator.  Adonis is determined to scorn love, but Venus has something else in mind.  And in the end, Venus doesn’t keep (physically) what she wills for herself.  But between the both of them, love still demands its own will.

Figure 34: Essay Excerpt on Venus and the Will of Love, “Venus and Adonis,” William Shakespeare

Problems

Student applies “personification” to a term and doesn’t define how she will use the term.

Critique

1) Is “free choice” the same thing as “free will”?

2) How is the will manipulated? Can a will be manipulated? Or can a person be manipulated?

3) Is Adonis’ determination to scorn love his free choice or his free will?

4) What does Venus have in mind? What does she do?

5) Love is not a person. It can’t demand.

Revision Considerations

The best way to correct areas of your paper that require more meaning is to continue to define terms, relationships, characters, and contexts. Define how a term links relationships between characters. If you are using the term to connect characters, then provide context for the term.

Copyright 2011 Regina Y. Favors. All Rights Reserved.

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